sometimes I wonder which is the worse nightmare.

The one where you wake up covered in sweat with your heart pounding and you need to turn on the lights and just take a minute to remind yourself that if was just a bad dream…

…or the ones where you wake up, realize it was just a dream and slowly realize that it will never come true, although you wish it would.

Akiko's first Christmas

Nerd Fitness 6 week challenge!

So, I’ve been pretty unhappy with myself lately and found this 6 week challenge and decided to join in, so here goes:

I’m 6’4”, 290 pounds or so, 43 years old and a frequent gamer and overall geek. I used to be a football player and wrestler and at one time was in pretty good shape. I’ve let that slip and I feel pretty crappy about it. I work at a University and have recently started running again at the urging of my intern. I want to get more fit and lose some of this weight. I’m an Adventurer Noob. Not sure what class I want to be, but I gotta start somewhere.

1. Lose 10 pounds - I’m starting at 290 and I now I need to drop quite a few more to be healthier.
2. Finish 1.5 mile run with no stopping/puking/dying - I’m able to do about .75 now, so this would be a doubling of my distance.
3. Take the stairs at work - I’m on the third floor and unless I’m carrying equipment, I’ll be taking the stairs.

4. Eliminate coffee from my routine - I drink way too much and I know I need to stop.

Here we go!

it's just...awkward.

Have you ever had to “break-up” with your therapist?

It’s crazy, but it feels almost like breaking up with a girlfriend in a way. I mean, I know it’s not working between us and something needs to change because I’m not feeling like I’m getting anything out of the relationship. I have a tiny bit of guilt about it, I feel like maybe I could have tried harder, but I just don’t think it’s meant to be between us. I think it’s just better to end it now and move on. And, of course, I got the “why do you want to see someone else?” line of questioning.

“I need to see somebody else, I hope you understand.”

"passed away"

so, there was this blog called girldecides.tumblr.com and it’s gone now, or at least I can’t find it anymore. I dug through my browser history and had Google give me the cached copy of it. Anyway, there was this post there that I just can’t get out of my mind. I’m not gonna post the whole thing because I can’t find the original author to get permission. But one part summed up my feelings when my father died. It’s a silly thing, but one that annoyed the crap out of my for quite a while, still does. Here’s the excerpt.

“… (she) called me and asked me if I was sitting down and told me my dad had died. Well, she said “passed away” but I really hate the phrase “passed away” or “passed”—quite frankly I hate anything other than died, because people don’t pass, and we don’t lose them, they die. It’s a process that is just as biological as it is social and emotional and psychological, so let’s call a spade a spade, right?”

Anyway, the rest of the post is really powerful too and I’m sorry I didn’t message her when the blog was still up, becasue it was a post that I totally related to. I wish I could have told her that.

Rant on 'Real Men'

I was inspired by a post by MissSkips about a ‘Real Men love Jesus’ bumper sticker. Real Men? What the fuck does that even mean?

So, what does it mean? Is there a set of criteria you must meet to be a ‘real man’ and who sets this criteria anyway? I don’t love Jesus, does that make me less of a man? I don’t see how it could. I am an independent thinker who looks at the evidence presented and makes a determination that suits my discovery.

It’s bad enough that most of the world has a gender role thrust upon them solely by what is between their legs. Now I have to figure out if I’m living up to being a ‘real man’ by following another set of made up rules. No.

And the ‘man card’, what is that all about? I’ve seen lists that essentially say “if you do X, turn in your man card.” As it turns out, I’ve done a bunch of them, but I can’t turn in my ‘man card’ because I never got one, and fuck you for suggesting I’m less of a man for doing any of it. I like theater, including doing some acting. I like musicals. I don’t drink beer. I am not afraid to tell my friends, male or female, that I love them. I cry. I vacuum. I enjoyed ‘Steel Magnolias’.

I identify as a heterosexual male. Am I real man? I don’t know. I’m me and that is the best I can be.

But let me tell you something else, if being a ‘real man’ means being true to your convictions, being a good friend, being a responsible employee, being a loving partner, being a respectful child, being all of those things, then most of the jackasses I’ve met that tout their ‘man cards’ would fail this ‘real man’ test.

If being a ‘real man’ means being an ignorant, judgmental, beer-swilling, misogynist, close-minded, person with a penis. Then, no, I don’t want to be a ‘Real Man’.

pushing the limit