the funeral

My Dad’s funeral was today.

I still have this numb feeling in my face. Back when I still did my self medicating and drank a lot I could always tell when the drunk was going well because I couldn’t feel my face. I felt that way today. Just numb and a little like I had taken too much cold medicine.

I haven’t really cried yet, I mean I have cried, but it was usually triggered by someone else crying or a situation. I think there will still be some tears to come from all of this. My brother lost all composure when it was time for the family to say last thoughts and the casket closed. I was surprised that he broke like that. Not that it’s bad, it’s what he needed to do and the emotion he felt. He just has never seemed that close to our father and the reaction surprised me. There may be some guilt, but I hope he can resolve that. I don’t have any regrets, I’m just sad that he is gone.

My sister read a piece she wrote and she was able to read it without breaking down, I was impressed with her strength and composure. I was not able to get my feelings wrapped up and put into words and stand to deliver them. I kind of wish I could have, but nothing came to me.

I will miss him and even thought we often disagreed, on almost everything, I know he was proud of me and what I have accomplished. He taught me to stand up for myself, what it is to be a man and the value of doing things the right way the first time…or you do them over until you do.

I’ll miss you, Pops, probably more than I realize.