3 am ramblings

it’s nights like these that I wish I could sleep like a normal person. My mind is racing and I can’t even keep up with the thoughts that are flying by. I want to do a million things all at once, but I’m sitting here immobilized because I can’t decide which thing I want to do. So I do nothing. I ramble.

I’m feeling self destructive and taking it out on myself, I don’t understand why I can’t be more constructive when I’m like this, I should be doing situps or pushups or presses, well I did do some of those, instead of…well, instead of other things.

I want someone I can run away with, that’s the thought that always scares me the most. If someone actually took me up on theses crazy ideas. Would I go? Sometimes I feel like I could. Just leave it all behind and max out the credit cards and just GO! Where? I have no idea. I just want a compass and a willing accomplice. I could find some work somewhere doing something. Is that even a normal thought? To just leave the family and go far away and forget they exist. No, I could never forget. I’m sure when I came out of the manic phase I’d be full of regret and crawl back home looking for forgiveness. Would I get it again?

The fantasy is almost always the same. I just want someone who is as crazy and ready to run away as I am. Preferably an reasonably attractive woman, just to go crazy for a couple of weeks, no attachments, no regrets, no apologies. Not even in a sexual way, just someone who wants to hang out with me and explore life for a while, lose the inhibitions and just be.

But then there is the reality. I’m old. I’m overweight. I’m bipolar. I’m not terribly attractive. I’m mediocre at almost everything I do. Who would even want to run away with me?

I’m jealous of my ‘friends’. Can I even call them that? Sometimes it seems like I am just trying to hold on to something that has passed me by. All of them are younger than me, they have so much in front of them. I wish I could be like Ali, who could just delete all her social media and not look back. I can’t. It’s one of the only ways I feel connected and living life vicariously. Or Jon, Geof or Steve, who have the ability to still move where they want and do what they want. To not be tied to a family and a ‘career’.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. Some days I just think they’d be better off without me and I want a break.

I should just stop. I should give up. I should suck it up like I always do and get back to doing what I have to do. I should sleep. I wish I could. I wish I could take a couple of Ambien and make my mind stop, but I have work tomorrow and I would never get up in time if I take them now.

Sometimes I wonder why I stopped drinking, and then I remember. I was a raging asshole who carried a hip flask to work everyday so I could keep a buzz going. Healthy. I self medicated for years, am I better now? Now I have prescriptions for drugs that ‘normal’ people use to get high. I use Xanax to get through the day. I’m still nothing but an addict, it’s just legal for me because a doctor says it’s okay.

I have to pee. I’m sorry if you read all of this. Wall of text crits you for over 9000.