well, the experiment of stopping meds for a few days to see how I feel without them is officially a failure. I feel like I want to flay myself right now, my skin hurts and itches and my nervous system is electrically charged, gravity feels like it has been turned down a couple notches. I just want to sleep. I am disappointed and angry and frustrated and uncomfortable. It will be better, right? I feel alone, even with people around me. All I have to do is walk to the bathroom and swallow one more pill, but I am having a hard time doing it. It feels like defeat again.
Lately I have been surrounded by really vibrant people and laughter and they all seem so happy. I wonder if they are. What does it mean for them? I want to be part of that group, but I know I can't. Not really. It feels, I don't know the word, comfortable maybe? But then after a couple of hours it has to end. I have to go. I don't know what I would do if I stayed. There is a little pain, like pulling a scab, as I transition from them to my family and the pain subsides again. Then I do it again the next day.
The end of this show is coming, and I won't have those people anymore. I know what's coming. A meltdown...again. I can feel it, and I think I can deal with it. There are people, the ones who don't go away, that will be there and they know the phases. On the plus side, Spring is coming. I always feel better in the Spring.
I have to let this be posted. I have to see it out there for the whole world. Then I can delete it and maybe that will make it better.
Right now I have to go swallow a pill. It still feels like defeat.
Lately I have been surrounded by really vibrant people and laughter and they all seem so happy. I wonder if they are. What does it mean for them? I want to be part of that group, but I know I can't. Not really. It feels, I don't know the word, comfortable maybe? But then after a couple of hours it has to end. I have to go. I don't know what I would do if I stayed. There is a little pain, like pulling a scab, as I transition from them to my family and the pain subsides again. Then I do it again the next day.
The end of this show is coming, and I won't have those people anymore. I know what's coming. A meltdown...again. I can feel it, and I think I can deal with it. There are people, the ones who don't go away, that will be there and they know the phases. On the plus side, Spring is coming. I always feel better in the Spring.
I have to let this be posted. I have to see it out there for the whole world. Then I can delete it and maybe that will make it better.
Right now I have to go swallow a pill. It still feels like defeat.
