score!

While I was cleaning my room today, I found 2 books I thought I had loaned out or lost. They are ‘The Pig that Wants to be Eaten’ and ‘Buddhism without Beliefs’. I need to read them again. I had given up on them, but now they are back in my library. Yay!

it was a good day

Christmas is always filled with a ton of anxiety for me, but today was pretty good and I feel at ease as it is ending.

I got some socks and underwear, which were needed, I also received two painting, one of Santa and one my daughter made. It was this one that touched me the most. She bought the canvas, painted it and stenciled it with some of the lyrics from Blue October's 'Retarded Disfigured Clown'. Specifically the line, "I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be". I love that poem and that line in particular. Those made gifts mean a lot to me. She gets me. I liked it.

Past that, it was just a good day. Everyone was in good spirits and there were no fight and we got some time to play some games, Bananagrams and Apples to Apples. It was fun...and I won more than I lost.

So, in summation - it was a good day.

...

…today sucked. I skipped work, i just couldn’t wake up and force myself to deal with people or life or anything. I’m not really suicidal, but i just couldn’t face the day and couldn’t move. The depression has been in progress for a while and i thought i had a decent hold on it. I didn’t.

I was woken up by my mother in my room, asking me if I was okay. I said yes. she called me a liar. I am a liar. She and my wife found out I skipped work. She saw my arms, my wrists, my fingers. Scratched and cut and bruised. I didn’t even know what to say. I felt like a teenager being caught. I’m not a teenager.

I am usually pretty good about handling this shit on my own and with my meds, not so much now. It’s getting worse. I know my depression and anxiety and bipolar isn’t as bad as some people, I’m only a Type II with Rapid Cycling. I need to talk to someone and figure out if it really is clinically worse or I just can’t handle as much anymore. I am on a waiting list, 6 to 8 weeks, to see a psychiatrist as a new patient. My old therapist is gone. I could go through the hospital, but being I have resorted to self injury, they would likely have me admitted. I don’t want that.

I have to buckle down, get shit back on track and keep my shit tight. I have a couple friends and family I can talk to and I hope that can help.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Self indulgent bullshit. But it helps me to type it out.

December 7th, 2011

Weird. It’s been 70 years since the attacks on the Pearl Harbor ships and airfields.

I was in the Navy and stationed at Pearl Harbor in 1991, for the 50th anniversary and watched the ceremonies from my apartment overlooking the harbor. It was truly surreal to see the planes fly over and the modern battleships in the harbor and to see the Arizona memorial, all at the same time.

I could look out at the memorial every morning as I got ready for work. I lived on the 33rd floor of a apartment building that was near the harbor and my balcony let me look out over the harbor. Early in the morning, before the tourists would start to go out to the memorial in the boats, I could see the outline of the Arizona in the harbor.

The first time I saw it from that height I was amazed at how well i could see the outline and turrets and even details of the deck. And of course the perpetual oil slick that comes from the oil that is still seeping from the tanks, even after all these years. It gave me chills.

Anyway, that’s my memory of December 7th and Pearl Harbor.

Rant on 'The Christmas Shoes'

Oh, this song.

Some people really like it and it makes them cry or feel bad or remember what Christmas is all about or whatever…I hate it.

First, the kid says his Mom doesn’t have much time left, but he’s at the store buying shoes? That’s what he decided to do instead of staying home with his father and dying mother. Really?

Then he doesn’t have enough money. I can see how this happens, “His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe” we’re told, so we should understand he didn’t have much in the way of money. On the plus side, he does know his mother’s shoe size, we are told that numerous times.

Then, the nice, guilty man decides to help and the kid gets impatient. “Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time”

But hey - at least imaginary god sent this kid and killed his mother so the writer would remember what Christmas is about. At least she’ll look good when she meets Jesus.

“I knew that God had sent that little boy To remind me just what Christmas is all about”

What do you think?

Rant on 'Do They Know It's Christmas?'

Oh, how this song pisses me off -

First we have the line:

“Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”

Really? We should thank god (even though I don’t believe in one) that someone else is suffering instead of us suffering? Wow.

Then:

“Here’s to you…

Raise a glass for everyone

Here’s to them

Underneath that burning sun”

Okay. So, while you’re partying and having a good time, how about a toast to those that are starving and dying? I mean, it’s almost the least you can do.

Maybe the point really is to try get people to wake up and think, but I really just can’t stand this song. At least it did start the Live Aid phenomenon that eventually did some good and got Bob Geldof a knighthood.

Maybe I’m just being too critical of the song. What do you think?

Rant on Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays

Okay, let’s make this clear. I am an agnostic - I do not believe there is god that created life and the earth and all that jazz. Actually, I’m a scientific pantheist but that gets a little tricky to explain to people.

Even so, this argument over Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays just annoys the crap out of me and there are a couple of reasons why, which I am going to detail now:

1. Christmas is one holiday - Holidays are more than one holiday. So, when I say Merry Christmas I mean the ONE holiday. When I say Happy Holidays I mean ALL of them during this season. I don’t know when I will see you again, so I’m covering my bases.

2. Yes, I call it Christmas even though I don’t believe in the Abrahamic god. I also say Thursday and Friday and I don’t believe in Thor or Frigga either.

3. It’s just a greeting, get over it. This goes for both sides of the argument, if you don’t like it - don’t say it.

4. How about we get pissed that the ‘Christmas’ season starts before Halloween is over and everyone seems completely burnt out on it before the day actually arrives, That I can get behind.

Okay - I’m done know and I feel better. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas.

I tell you what...

if I wasn’t saving money to buy Giftmas presents, I would definitely be going to the tattoo shop this weekend. I want to get more ink in the worst way. Oh well, maybe after the New Year.

Blue October

...tomorrow - I'm not totally sure why this band means so much to me, but it does. I'm taking Steph and Amanda with me, a father-daughter bonding time. I am so excited I just want to go to sleep so tomorrow comes sooner.

porky goodness

...made the most awesome tasting Chili Lime Pork Loin for dinner. It was really really good, and easy to make. Everyone loved it.

...blech

It's been a while since I worked out and I just went at it pretty hard. I puked. I'm pathetic.

Hello

My name is Elder Matumbo
And I would like to share with you the most amazing book

hmm...

I haven't written anything for a while. I've just been dealing with a depression and not much feeling like doing anything or writing anything.

so, what have i been up to?

I saw 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' at the midnight release and i really liked it. It's sad when something like that ends, it's been a great series and is a good story. Someday i may go back and read all of the books again, i haven't re-read one since it's movie came out.

I screwed up my financial aid and now I might not be able to take any classes this fall. I swear I'm not getting a degree before I'm 50. Oh well, I have a job and it pays pretty well and I'm not planning on leaving it anytime soon.

I still am struggling with my weight, tipping those scales around 290 and holding. I have tried cutting out fast food for the most part, and recently have limited myself to one diet soda a day. I need to get back in the habit of getting on the treadmill and using the weights. I've got to do something, I'm so unhappy with my weight and appearance.

I've been to Cedar Point twice this year and had some fun both times. I get a little depressed that I can't ride the Millennium Force, the seat belt won't buckle around me - I'm too big. But, I can still ride most of the other rides and I can get in the Maverick which is an awesome ride. We are considering going one more time for Halloweekends.

My oldest daughter is getting ready for college, she just got her room and roommate assignment.

My youngest daughter has been accepted in the exchange program to go to Moriyama, Japan in the Spring of 2012. We would be hosting a Japanese student in October of 2011.

So, I think that's the major points and what I've been up to.

bored

...so, I dyed my mohawk dark purple today. It's a temporary dye and it didn't show up real great on the natural brown, but it's there.

she graduated

I don't even know how to put into words the feelings I have today. I guess I am just so proud of you, who you are, what you have done, and what lies ahead for you. I love you.

the last picture of me and dad

Pain

“Pain is for the living. Only the dead don’t feel it.Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”

—	Jim Butcher

My sister wrote this and read it at my Dad's funeral

One of the things I remember most about my dad is that he seemed to know everybody. No matter where we went, he always knew someone. There was always someone that he knew from school or church or the fire department or work or a family member that he was related to in some way that would require a flow chart to understand. On the rare occasion when he didn't know someone, he'd find a random person to strike up a conversation with and they'd be added to his circle of acquaintances. He even made friends with the wait staff at restaurants. He loved to socialize and could make small talk with just about anyone. By the time I was in high school, I always knew what to expect the first time I met one of my friends' parents: "Oh, you're Dave Blohm's daughter? I've known him for years." "Of course you have." I would say. Most of the time, not only did he know my friend's parents, but their grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, employers, you name it. As you can imagine it made getting away with anything extremely difficult.

Not that I didn't try. You see, I inherited my dad's stubbornness. When my dad wanted to do something, nobody could stop him. He knew what he wanted and he was willing to do whatever it took to get it. When he visited me in the hospital after the birth of my second child, he decided that he wanted something to eat. When my mom, who was caught up in the grandmotherly thrill of holding the new baby, didn't move quite fast enough for him, he simply threw his scooter in reverse and zoomed on down the hall. It didn't seem to matter to him that not only did he not know where the cafeteria was but that he didn't have any money on him--he just left. By the time my mom caught up to him he was halfway to the elevators. "I told you I was hungry." he shrugged. Another time we were at the zoo and he got annoyed with the crowds. Rather than complain, he powered up his scooter as fast as it could go and zipped though the throngs of people, dodging and weaving in and out of the human traffic like it was the Indy 500. When we finally caught up to him, I asked him, "Aren't you worried you are going to run into someone?" He just smiled and said, "Well maybe they'll move a little bit faster next time."

Given that both my dad and I were very strong willed people,  we butted heads a lot. He wasn't willing to back down and neither was I. While our relationship was usually positive, we had some legendary battles. No matter how heated things got, I never doubted that he loved me and that he would continue to love me no matter how angry he got at me. Although I didn't realize it at the time, these arguments gave me confidence to express myself because I knew that if I could go head to head with my Dad, I could take on anybody.

I also had the sense that my Dad respected the fact that I stood up for myself. He loved to debate and challenge people. You knew you weren't going to get away with sloppy logic or lazy thinking. He would call you out on it. He had very clear ideas about how things should be done and how a person should behave and he wasn't shy about telling you if you weren't living up to his expectations. In his world there was no such thing as "good enough". It was done right or it was done again. You did what you were supposed to do or you suffered the consequences. While this could be difficult to hear, he was often right. If you did earn his praise, you knew he wasn't saying it just to make you feel better, he really meant it. Having him tell me he was proud of me was all the more meaningful because I knew it was heartfelt.

My dad could also be very goofy. When the two of us were driving somewhere, he loved to turn up the oldies and sing along, very loudly. As a teenager, this was excruciating Some people play air guitar, but he liked to play air keyboards. He would squint his eyes, tilt his head and pound the imaginary piano keys while he hollered along to Dion or Del Shannon. My face would be red with embarrassment but I couldn't stop laughing. Once we happened to run across  the John Wayne movie The Green Berets when he was channel surfing. I wanted to watch something else, but he insisted we watch the rest of the movie. When I started to complain, he began singing the theme song to me, complete with improvised hand motions. Ever since, all he had to do was tap his chest and say "silver wings" and I would dissolve into laughter.

As I'm sure anyone will tell you my dad was extremely competitive. He loved to play games and he loved to win. One of my favorite memories of him is watching him teach my daughter Ella how to play Wii bowling. She was so excited after she got two strikes in one game that she thought she was ready to become a professional bowler. Not that he was going to let her win. Oh no. Even though she was only 5, he still played to win. No mercy. Back in March he came over to my house and played with my son Ben who is 3. When Ben beat him in an animal matching game, he insisted they play again. Later when Ben wanted to play Connect 4, I explained to my Dad that he didn't really play by the rules, he just liked to drop the checkers into the slots until they were full. When Ben proceeded to do just that, my Dad continued to play as if it were a real game. "No cheating Ben," he said "I'm trying to win here."

I am grateful to my Dad for all that he taught me and the happy memories we shared. I am proud of all the lives he touched and the impact that he had on so many people. He made me the person I am today and everything that I accomplish in my life is a reflection of him. I know that his legacy will live on in me, my brothers and all of his grandchildren.

the funeral

My Dad’s funeral was today.

I still have this numb feeling in my face. Back when I still did my self medicating and drank a lot I could always tell when the drunk was going well because I couldn’t feel my face. I felt that way today. Just numb and a little like I had taken too much cold medicine.

I haven’t really cried yet, I mean I have cried, but it was usually triggered by someone else crying or a situation. I think there will still be some tears to come from all of this. My brother lost all composure when it was time for the family to say last thoughts and the casket closed. I was surprised that he broke like that. Not that it’s bad, it’s what he needed to do and the emotion he felt. He just has never seemed that close to our father and the reaction surprised me. There may be some guilt, but I hope he can resolve that. I don’t have any regrets, I’m just sad that he is gone.

My sister read a piece she wrote and she was able to read it without breaking down, I was impressed with her strength and composure. I was not able to get my feelings wrapped up and put into words and stand to deliver them. I kind of wish I could have, but nothing came to me.

I will miss him and even thought we often disagreed, on almost everything, I know he was proud of me and what I have accomplished. He taught me to stand up for myself, what it is to be a man and the value of doing things the right way the first time…or you do them over until you do.

I’ll miss you, Pops, probably more than I realize.

my dad died

he died in his sleep sometime last night. It sounds like it was peaceful and he didn't struggle or thrash or moan or anything, he just died peacefully.

I am still processing my feelings and I don't know what else I want to write yet.

itsy bitsy spider

Zombie Gnome

This came in the Mail

so, my Dad has cancer

yep.

No other way to lead into that. He has cancer in his lungs and liver and is undergoing chemo treatments. I don't feel much at the moment.

I guess I always felt this would happen and I was not at all surprised when the call came to inform me. It seems like everyone keeps asking me if I am okay, and the truth is - yes, I am. When I tell them that, they kinda look at me like, I don't know what. Like I am just not dealing with it yet, and maybe that is the case. Maybe it's just that I figure his insistence on going back to smoking and that being so damn important to him, he finally got what he deserved. Seems a little vengeful and maybe it is.

My Mom talked to me about my brother going to visit and seeing how bad he looks and the 'accidents' he is having. My parents have been divorced for years, so it's just my Mother relaying what my brother has told her, she isn't there or involved really. She told me my brother broke down and cried after he left my Dad's house. I was angry.I did that every day after leaving the ICU at Henry Ford hospital, driving up there and back 3 times a week. He was busy or had to work or didn't have gas money - well guess what, all those things applied to me too.

I guess I am at a loss of sympathy right now, maybe it will come back to me. I don't have any unresolved issues that I need to take care of before he dies. If my brother does I feel bad for him, he;s had all of these years during and since the coma to deal with it and if he hasn't...that's his fucking problem. Not mine.

When the time comes, I'll be involved and I'll do my part. They can deal with this for a little while in the meantime.

New Tattoo

I got a pair of tattoos over the weekend and I absolutely love them. I have been working on the concept/design for over a year and I finally got it to where I liked it and was ready to go with the ink. This design is deeply personal to me and I am just amazed every time I look at it.

My Right Side - The birds on my right side are representative of my daughters and are done in their favorite colors. It also happens to be my favorite Bob Marley song - 'Three Little Birds'. The branch is alive and vibrant, that's the happy me. There are a number of flowers for color and one that represents a person who is very special to me.

My Left Side - The left side is the old crow, Me. Watching, waiting, alone. The moon represents my bi-polar disorder and the cycle that comes with it. The branch is old and dead and withered, the way I feel most of the time.

Overall - this represents the way duality of my personality, the light and dark, a balance or struggle for balance. The yin/yang is overdone, and this means so much more. I am thrilled with the end result. It's mine and no one else has one like it.

Now - what to design next...

fuck!

anxiety attack underway -

I can’t breathe right, heart is pounding, I need to calm down and breathe. Mind is flying - I’m thinking at a million miles a second. It’s all bad. It’s all fucked and bad. It’s all jealousy and envy and rejection and not being good enough and being scared. I want the Ativan shot right about now. Popping a pill, hopefully it will take effect quickly, but the shot is so much faster.

I’m hoping that writing it down will help - my whole body is bouncing right now. I can’t type very well and I have to keep making corrections and use the spell check.

I think someday I’m going to die of a heart attack because I won’t know the difference between the anxiety attack and the heart attack.

Breathing is better, heart feels like it’s going to explode, mind is a mess. Closing my eyes. Focusing on breathing, trying to calm down. My hands are numb and I’m shaking. I want to run away, but I can’t focus and I know I shouldn’t drive.

Hospital? Is this another hospital trip?

It got worse - I threw up. My head is pounding now and I just want to run away. I hate feeling like this.

Ativan is so much easier.

April 17, 2011

I'm proud of myself. I'm dealing with a lot of crap lately and I just need to do something for myself. I decided to cut my hair. Not a big deal right? But this time it's a mohawk and I kinda want to see just how much I can get away with at work. I kinda want someone to say something...but they won't. And I'm getting an immense amount of pleasure from that. Simple and petty - but it works for me.

April 11, 2011

I'm just kind of sick of everything right now - I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying myself. I'm sad and lonely most of the time. I don't know what to do to get myself out of this depression I find myself in. I really don't. If you are one of my friends, I want to you to know you mean more to me that I can put into words. You truly do. Each one of you makes my life better, at least for a little while, and I thank you for that. Some of you make more of a difference than you will ever know and help me make it through each day, without you I would have given up by now.

February 17th.

well, the experiment of stopping meds for a few days to see how I feel without them is officially a failure. I feel like I want to flay myself right now, my skin hurts and itches and my nervous system is electrically charged, gravity feels like it has been turned down a couple notches. I just want to sleep. I am disappointed and angry and frustrated and uncomfortable. It will be better, right? I feel alone, even with people around me. All I have to do is walk to the bathroom and swallow one more pill, but I am having a hard time doing it. It feels like defeat again.

Lately I have been surrounded by really vibrant people and laughter and they all seem so happy. I wonder if they are. What does it mean for them? I want to be part of that group, but I know I can't. Not really. It feels, I don't know the word, comfortable maybe? But then after a couple of hours it has to end. I have to go. I don't know what I would do if I stayed. There is a little pain, like pulling a scab, as I transition from them to my family and the pain subsides again. Then I do it again the next day.

The end of this show is coming, and I won't have those people anymore. I know what's coming. A meltdown...again. I can feel it, and I think I can deal with it. There are people, the ones who don't go away, that will be there and they know the phases. On the plus side, Spring is coming. I always feel better in the Spring.

I have to let this be posted. I have to see it out there for the whole world. Then I can delete it and maybe that will make it better.

Right now I have to go swallow a pill. It still feels like defeat.

My list of 22 things

There was a challenge/idea post on Twitter that came from Riki Rachtman - yes, the old Headbanger's Ball guy.

His challenge?

Make a list of 22 things you will accomplish in 2011.
 
Specific goals, not just 'be healthier' type stuff. Actual measurable, attainable goals. So, I've been thinking about it and I think I'm gonna give it a go.

Here's my list:

#1 - Run/Jog/Walk 400 Miles
#2 - Enter and finish a 5K run
#3 - Get 6 hours of sleep almost everyday
#4 - Read 4 books I have never read before
#5 - Watch 12 documentaries
#6 - Buy a pair of pants or shirt once a month
#7 - Take each of my daughters to lunch/dinner, just me and them, 3 times.
#8 - Audition for 2 shows/plays
#9 - Act in a play, that actually charges admission
#10 - Attend 4 live plays
#11 - Attend 2 live plays NOT at Theatre Siena
#12 - Attend 3 live music shows
#13 - Buy a new bass guitar
#14 - Learn to play 4 new songs on the bass
#15 - Attend all of the SHU Football team home games Inaugural season
#16 - Fly a kite
#17 - Go to our cabin 3 times
#18 - Lose 25 pounds
#19 - Get the tattoo that I've been designing for the last year
#20 - Plant a tree
#21 - Build a dividing wall and add electricity to the basement
#22 - Run for public office, probably school board

So, that's it. Some of these are a given, but I haven't actually done them yet and I could always back out of it. Some are easy, some are a little more difficult. I'm sharing with you and I'm not ashamed of any of these goals. I need to get a small planner or something to keep track of these things and when I do them. Let's see how I do. If you are interested in doing it too, take it and run with it.