Akiko's first Christmas

Nerd Fitness 6 week challenge!

So, I’ve been pretty unhappy with myself lately and found this 6 week challenge and decided to join in, so here goes:

I’m 6’4”, 290 pounds or so, 43 years old and a frequent gamer and overall geek. I used to be a football player and wrestler and at one time was in pretty good shape. I’ve let that slip and I feel pretty crappy about it. I work at a University and have recently started running again at the urging of my intern. I want to get more fit and lose some of this weight. I’m an Adventurer Noob. Not sure what class I want to be, but I gotta start somewhere.

1. Lose 10 pounds - I’m starting at 290 and I now I need to drop quite a few more to be healthier.
2. Finish 1.5 mile run with no stopping/puking/dying - I’m able to do about .75 now, so this would be a doubling of my distance.
3. Take the stairs at work - I’m on the third floor and unless I’m carrying equipment, I’ll be taking the stairs.

4. Eliminate coffee from my routine - I drink way too much and I know I need to stop.

Here we go!

it's just...awkward.

Have you ever had to “break-up” with your therapist?

It’s crazy, but it feels almost like breaking up with a girlfriend in a way. I mean, I know it’s not working between us and something needs to change because I’m not feeling like I’m getting anything out of the relationship. I have a tiny bit of guilt about it, I feel like maybe I could have tried harder, but I just don’t think it’s meant to be between us. I think it’s just better to end it now and move on. And, of course, I got the “why do you want to see someone else?” line of questioning.

“I need to see somebody else, I hope you understand.”

"passed away"

so, there was this blog called girldecides.tumblr.com and it’s gone now, or at least I can’t find it anymore. I dug through my browser history and had Google give me the cached copy of it. Anyway, there was this post there that I just can’t get out of my mind. I’m not gonna post the whole thing because I can’t find the original author to get permission. But one part summed up my feelings when my father died. It’s a silly thing, but one that annoyed the crap out of my for quite a while, still does. Here’s the excerpt.

“… (she) called me and asked me if I was sitting down and told me my dad had died. Well, she said “passed away” but I really hate the phrase “passed away” or “passed”—quite frankly I hate anything other than died, because people don’t pass, and we don’t lose them, they die. It’s a process that is just as biological as it is social and emotional and psychological, so let’s call a spade a spade, right?”

Anyway, the rest of the post is really powerful too and I’m sorry I didn’t message her when the blog was still up, becasue it was a post that I totally related to. I wish I could have told her that.

Rant on 'Real Men'

I was inspired by a post by MissSkips about a ‘Real Men love Jesus’ bumper sticker. Real Men? What the fuck does that even mean?

So, what does it mean? Is there a set of criteria you must meet to be a ‘real man’ and who sets this criteria anyway? I don’t love Jesus, does that make me less of a man? I don’t see how it could. I am an independent thinker who looks at the evidence presented and makes a determination that suits my discovery.

It’s bad enough that most of the world has a gender role thrust upon them solely by what is between their legs. Now I have to figure out if I’m living up to being a ‘real man’ by following another set of made up rules. No.

And the ‘man card’, what is that all about? I’ve seen lists that essentially say “if you do X, turn in your man card.” As it turns out, I’ve done a bunch of them, but I can’t turn in my ‘man card’ because I never got one, and fuck you for suggesting I’m less of a man for doing any of it. I like theater, including doing some acting. I like musicals. I don’t drink beer. I am not afraid to tell my friends, male or female, that I love them. I cry. I vacuum. I enjoyed ‘Steel Magnolias’.

I identify as a heterosexual male. Am I real man? I don’t know. I’m me and that is the best I can be.

But let me tell you something else, if being a ‘real man’ means being true to your convictions, being a good friend, being a responsible employee, being a loving partner, being a respectful child, being all of those things, then most of the jackasses I’ve met that tout their ‘man cards’ would fail this ‘real man’ test.

If being a ‘real man’ means being an ignorant, judgmental, beer-swilling, misogynist, close-minded, person with a penis. Then, no, I don’t want to be a ‘Real Man’.

pushing the limit

Buddha

Dudeist Affirmation

Annual 4th of July (on the 30th) Party

We pretty much spent the entire day being lazy and lounging around recovering from last night's fireworks and fun with friends. I mean it's not overly hard, but for someone with social issues, all the people and trying to be entertaining can be stressful.

I like providing people with a fireworks show, it's so much fun to see and hear the reactions that come from our little audience. It was weird though, Michigan has made the type of fireworks that we've used for years legal finally. Somehow that made it slightly less fun. I'm not sure how much sense that makes, but it's the way I felt.

Anyway, I saved some aside for Wednesday night. I can't have a 4th of July without some fireworks. That'd be like Christmas with no tree.

Cancer sucks

So, we just recently found out a friend of ours, she’s 3 years younger than me, has breast cancer. In both breasts. And they are different types of cancer, although I don’t really know exactly what that means.

She is going to have a double mastectomy.

She seems to be handling it pretty well, or at least externally she is. I don’t even know how she is dealing with that without absolutely freaking out.

She is a paramedic and has worked in health care for her entire career, so I guess she’s seen people deal with this before and knows it can be fought and a recovery is possible. But damn. I just feel like we are too young to be dealing with this kind of shit, but I guess not. I mean cancer happens to old people right? I don’t feel old, but I guess we are getting to the point where the invincibility is starting to wear off.

Cancer sucks.

my father

Oh, I could tell you some stories about my father, but you’d never believe me. Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction. I really do wonder how I’m not even more fucked up in the head than I actually am.

Anyway, it’s Father’s Day so I’m reflecting on some of this. He wasn’t a horrible father, mostly absent during my young life, drunk and abusive enough to leave an impact, a product of his environment and enough of an influence to make me want to be a better father. I hope I have been.

Maybe someday I’ll write a book about my parent’s and growing up and all the things I experienced and lived through. People will think I’m lying though. “You’re so normal” they’ll say. HA! It was normal for me though.

TBH

totally honest…

I am having a very hard time fighting the urge to just go. I’m not mad, I’m not sad, I’m just so bored that I want to GO! I don’t really even care where, just max out the cards and get a job when I run out of money. My family would probably miss me, but they would likely get over it. The urge is so strong tonight.

I wish I would just give in and go. But I won’t.

3 am ramblings

it’s nights like these that I wish I could sleep like a normal person. My mind is racing and I can’t even keep up with the thoughts that are flying by. I want to do a million things all at once, but I’m sitting here immobilized because I can’t decide which thing I want to do. So I do nothing. I ramble.

I’m feeling self destructive and taking it out on myself, I don’t understand why I can’t be more constructive when I’m like this, I should be doing situps or pushups or presses, well I did do some of those, instead of…well, instead of other things.

I want someone I can run away with, that’s the thought that always scares me the most. If someone actually took me up on theses crazy ideas. Would I go? Sometimes I feel like I could. Just leave it all behind and max out the credit cards and just GO! Where? I have no idea. I just want a compass and a willing accomplice. I could find some work somewhere doing something. Is that even a normal thought? To just leave the family and go far away and forget they exist. No, I could never forget. I’m sure when I came out of the manic phase I’d be full of regret and crawl back home looking for forgiveness. Would I get it again?

The fantasy is almost always the same. I just want someone who is as crazy and ready to run away as I am. Preferably an reasonably attractive woman, just to go crazy for a couple of weeks, no attachments, no regrets, no apologies. Not even in a sexual way, just someone who wants to hang out with me and explore life for a while, lose the inhibitions and just be.

But then there is the reality. I’m old. I’m overweight. I’m bipolar. I’m not terribly attractive. I’m mediocre at almost everything I do. Who would even want to run away with me?

I’m jealous of my ‘friends’. Can I even call them that? Sometimes it seems like I am just trying to hold on to something that has passed me by. All of them are younger than me, they have so much in front of them. I wish I could be like Ali, who could just delete all her social media and not look back. I can’t. It’s one of the only ways I feel connected and living life vicariously. Or Jon, Geof or Steve, who have the ability to still move where they want and do what they want. To not be tied to a family and a ‘career’.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. Some days I just think they’d be better off without me and I want a break.

I should just stop. I should give up. I should suck it up like I always do and get back to doing what I have to do. I should sleep. I wish I could. I wish I could take a couple of Ambien and make my mind stop, but I have work tomorrow and I would never get up in time if I take them now.

Sometimes I wonder why I stopped drinking, and then I remember. I was a raging asshole who carried a hip flask to work everyday so I could keep a buzz going. Healthy. I self medicated for years, am I better now? Now I have prescriptions for drugs that ‘normal’ people use to get high. I use Xanax to get through the day. I’m still nothing but an addict, it’s just legal for me because a doctor says it’s okay.

I have to pee. I’m sorry if you read all of this. Wall of text crits you for over 9000.

Animal Underworld

I spent the last couple of hours watching the 3 episodes of Nat Geo Wild’s ‘Animal Underworld’ hosted by Henry Rollins. I will watch of listen to pretty much anything Henry does. I have a great respect for him as a person and as a worker in the film and television and music industries. Not to say I always like or agree with everything he has to say, but I generally do.

This series deals with some of the out of the ordinary ways we, as humans interact with animals. Some positive, some negative, some disturbing. The topics range from alligator wrestling, people who keep dangerous/venomous pets, worship of animals, eating of animals that aren’t considered normal, and the use of animals as medicine.

I enjoyed the series, although I was a little disturbed by a few of the segments and I have heard of others that are unhappy with Rollins for taking part in a wild hog hunt and some of the other things he did on the show. I tend to defend Henry and say that he is always looking to learn more about the world we live and the people that inhabit it and as he says ‘knowledge without mileage is bullshit’.

These things do happen in our world and just because it doesn’t fit with your lifestyle or world view doesn’t necessarily mean if doesn’t have some value in trying to figure it out or understand it better and sometimes the way to do that is to experience it.

Give the series a look if it sounds like something you might like, I found it On Demand on Comcast.

Holy crap.

A friend of mine's mother recently posted this picture. It brought back a flood of memories and reminded me how young I used to be. I wonder what happened to the dates we all took to this particular prom in 1987. Anyway, it is good to have memories...and old friends.

Incest and Cannibalism and Homosexuality

Now that I have your attention.

So, my beliefs have been questioned and challenged by the damn philosophy people. I think these things are wrong, but I don’t have a religious opposition to them, it’s more of a moral issue that I find these actions repulsive and unacceptable. But why?

Why do I find Incest wrong?

Why do I find Cannibalism wrong?

Why don’t I find Homosexuality wrong?

How do I make the distinction for me, what is acceptable and what isn’t? Because when it comes down to it, I can’t come up with a good argument against those things, most of us just find it morally wrong, but why?

Sometimes I hate philosophy.

How do you feel on the subject?

Henry

Just home from seeing ‘Uncle Henry’ as he has been referring to himself. It was a great show, just under 3 hours of his rambling entertaining style of spoken word performance. He ranged from old stories of Black Flag, the current political candidates, his travels and work with National Geographic channel, getting older and a hundred things in between.

All in all, a great night of entertainment and being with others like me.

Now I need sleep.

Tattooed

Old School Sailor Jerry style pig and rooster. Freshly done. Now I’m unsinkable.

Tattoo time

made an appointment for my next tattoo. Doing up the feet with some slightly modified old school Sailor Jerry flash designs. A rooster on my right foot and a pig on the left.

It’s an old sailor tradition and superstition about staying afloat and finding your way to shore. It seems that neither animal can swim, but they were often the survivors of shipwrecks due to being in crates and floating to shore.

I need to stay afloat.

My travels on the ocean.

so, after doing some searches of distances, I can tell you that it is roughly 7,357 nm from San Diego, CA to Abu Dhabi, UAE as the crow flies. We didn’t go as the crow flies and spend a lot of time backtracking and stopping for ports of call and the like. I made that trip, and back again, twice so that would put it at least 30,000 nm. I saw another post that put the journey to the Persian Gulf at around 12,000 nm and that would put me at at least 48,000 nm.

So, I’m guessing it’s in the neighborhood of 50,000 nm with all the deployments, drills, time on station and various trips to and from ports of call. Of course this is just a slightly educated wild ass guess.

In that time I visited: Phillipines (multiple times), Hong Kong (x2), Singapore (x2), Australia (x2), Abu Dhabi, Korea, Hawaii (x2 and later stationed there), Thailand (x2), Diego Garcia.

That’s a lot of miles

...speaking of old sailor traditions

my friend Candlejack wants to get some swallows to represent his miles of driving across the country and it occurred to me that I really should look up how many NM I’ve actually done while in the Navy. The tradition is a swallow for every 5000 NM traveled.

The problem is, I don’t really know how to go about figuring that out. I know I went on 2 full Western Pacific deployments and one was in support of the Desert Shield/Desert Storm so we spent a lot of time churning up the ocean. I just don’t know the exact distance or even a reasonable guess.

Beginner Body Weight Workout

I’m gonna try a new thing that I saw on Nerd Fitness, The Beginners Body Weight Workout. You do these following exercises in a circuit, with as little rest in between as possible and you go through the list 3 times, every other day. 

1. 20 body weight squats
2. 10 push ups 
3. 20 walking lunges 
4. 10 dumbbell rows 
5. 15 second plank 
6. 30 Jumping Jacks 

It doesn’t look too bad, and then I will do treadmill on the other days. I will be doing this for the rest of the month and see how it goes.

http://nerdfitness.com/blog/2009/12/09/beginner-body-weight-workout-burn-fat-build-muscle/

Mental Health Issues

You know what sucks? Having to answer all the questions on the forms for the new psychiatrist I’m going to see tomorrow.

History of Self Harm?

History of Risky Behavior?

Describe what you want to get out of this partnership with the psychiatrist?

It’s really setting me off and I don’t want to go in there tomorrow and have to explain any injuries or scars or bruises, but I know I have to.

I’m just kinda freaking out a tiny bit to open up to anyone face to face.

The Doc

Out of the Dr. and blood work is done, I can eat again!

I hate fasting for blood work, it’s like when you know you can’t eat that’s all you want to do.

As suspected he wants me to lose weight, but so far all my other tests are good. Blood pressure is 130/80…meh, a little high but he didn’t freak out about it. I just have to wait on the cholesterol tests that he ordered and we’ll see how that plays out.

Refills ordered on all the meds. I have to use Express Scripts now, not thrilled with that but what can you do

Tomorrow

I have to go see the Doctor man tomorrow for the annual physical. I can hardly wait. I’m sure he will have something to say about my weight and my crazy and my liver function and my cholesterol levels and…i’m sure he’ll find something else. Oh yeah, I’m old so I get the prostate check too. Probably blood work on top of all that.

I hate the annual physical. I would skip it, except my insurance requires it. Fuck.

On the plus side, after that I’m going to get my hair cut.

List of 15 for 2012

So, here's the list for this year. I did okay last year and hit 50%. I've carried over some and added some new ones. I have some repeats, because I think they are important. 

1. - Run/Jog/Walk 300 Miles
2. - Enter and finish a 5K run
3. - Get 6 hours of sleep almost everyday
4. - Attend 2 live plays NOT at Theatre Siena
5. - Learn to play 2 new songs on the bass
6. - Lose 40 pounds
7. - Build a dividing wall and add electricity to the basement
8. - Run for public office, probably school board
9. - Read a book a month
10. - Take each of my daughters to lunch at least twice
11. - Take a trip to Chicago
12. - watch a documentary a month
13. - get my feet tattooed with a pig and rooster
14. - see at least 3 concerts/performances
15. - regularly visit with a therapist

Wish me luck?

2011

…ended the year with a few more scars, a few more tattoos, a few more wrinkles, a few more grey hairs, a few new friends and a few more cracks in my heart. I’m still standing and that is all any of us can really ask for, right?

So, I reviewed my list of 22 things to do in 2011 and I accomplished half of them. 50%. 11/22. I hoped I would do better, but it is what it is. I’ll be moving some of them to this year’s list and adding to it in the next few days. Maybe 22 was too many, maybe I didn’t try enough, maybe i was unrealistic.

That’s it - the date has changed. So it goes.