score!

While I was cleaning my room today, I found 2 books I thought I had loaned out or lost. They are ‘The Pig that Wants to be Eaten’ and ‘Buddhism without Beliefs’. I need to read them again. I had given up on them, but now they are back in my library. Yay!

it was a good day

Christmas is always filled with a ton of anxiety for me, but today was pretty good and I feel at ease as it is ending.

I got some socks and underwear, which were needed, I also received two painting, one of Santa and one my daughter made. It was this one that touched me the most. She bought the canvas, painted it and stenciled it with some of the lyrics from Blue October's 'Retarded Disfigured Clown'. Specifically the line, "I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be". I love that poem and that line in particular. Those made gifts mean a lot to me. She gets me. I liked it.

Past that, it was just a good day. Everyone was in good spirits and there were no fight and we got some time to play some games, Bananagrams and Apples to Apples. It was fun...and I won more than I lost.

So, in summation - it was a good day.

...

…today sucked. I skipped work, i just couldn’t wake up and force myself to deal with people or life or anything. I’m not really suicidal, but i just couldn’t face the day and couldn’t move. The depression has been in progress for a while and i thought i had a decent hold on it. I didn’t.

I was woken up by my mother in my room, asking me if I was okay. I said yes. she called me a liar. I am a liar. She and my wife found out I skipped work. She saw my arms, my wrists, my fingers. Scratched and cut and bruised. I didn’t even know what to say. I felt like a teenager being caught. I’m not a teenager.

I am usually pretty good about handling this shit on my own and with my meds, not so much now. It’s getting worse. I know my depression and anxiety and bipolar isn’t as bad as some people, I’m only a Type II with Rapid Cycling. I need to talk to someone and figure out if it really is clinically worse or I just can’t handle as much anymore. I am on a waiting list, 6 to 8 weeks, to see a psychiatrist as a new patient. My old therapist is gone. I could go through the hospital, but being I have resorted to self injury, they would likely have me admitted. I don’t want that.

I have to buckle down, get shit back on track and keep my shit tight. I have a couple friends and family I can talk to and I hope that can help.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Self indulgent bullshit. But it helps me to type it out.

December 7th, 2011

Weird. It’s been 70 years since the attacks on the Pearl Harbor ships and airfields.

I was in the Navy and stationed at Pearl Harbor in 1991, for the 50th anniversary and watched the ceremonies from my apartment overlooking the harbor. It was truly surreal to see the planes fly over and the modern battleships in the harbor and to see the Arizona memorial, all at the same time.

I could look out at the memorial every morning as I got ready for work. I lived on the 33rd floor of a apartment building that was near the harbor and my balcony let me look out over the harbor. Early in the morning, before the tourists would start to go out to the memorial in the boats, I could see the outline of the Arizona in the harbor.

The first time I saw it from that height I was amazed at how well i could see the outline and turrets and even details of the deck. And of course the perpetual oil slick that comes from the oil that is still seeping from the tanks, even after all these years. It gave me chills.

Anyway, that’s my memory of December 7th and Pearl Harbor.

Rant on 'The Christmas Shoes'

Oh, this song.

Some people really like it and it makes them cry or feel bad or remember what Christmas is all about or whatever…I hate it.

First, the kid says his Mom doesn’t have much time left, but he’s at the store buying shoes? That’s what he decided to do instead of staying home with his father and dying mother. Really?

Then he doesn’t have enough money. I can see how this happens, “His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe” we’re told, so we should understand he didn’t have much in the way of money. On the plus side, he does know his mother’s shoe size, we are told that numerous times.

Then, the nice, guilty man decides to help and the kid gets impatient. “Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time”

But hey - at least imaginary god sent this kid and killed his mother so the writer would remember what Christmas is about. At least she’ll look good when she meets Jesus.

“I knew that God had sent that little boy To remind me just what Christmas is all about”

What do you think?

Rant on 'Do They Know It's Christmas?'

Oh, how this song pisses me off -

First we have the line:

“Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”

Really? We should thank god (even though I don’t believe in one) that someone else is suffering instead of us suffering? Wow.

Then:

“Here’s to you…

Raise a glass for everyone

Here’s to them

Underneath that burning sun”

Okay. So, while you’re partying and having a good time, how about a toast to those that are starving and dying? I mean, it’s almost the least you can do.

Maybe the point really is to try get people to wake up and think, but I really just can’t stand this song. At least it did start the Live Aid phenomenon that eventually did some good and got Bob Geldof a knighthood.

Maybe I’m just being too critical of the song. What do you think?

Rant on Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays

Okay, let’s make this clear. I am an agnostic - I do not believe there is god that created life and the earth and all that jazz. Actually, I’m a scientific pantheist but that gets a little tricky to explain to people.

Even so, this argument over Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays just annoys the crap out of me and there are a couple of reasons why, which I am going to detail now:

1. Christmas is one holiday - Holidays are more than one holiday. So, when I say Merry Christmas I mean the ONE holiday. When I say Happy Holidays I mean ALL of them during this season. I don’t know when I will see you again, so I’m covering my bases.

2. Yes, I call it Christmas even though I don’t believe in the Abrahamic god. I also say Thursday and Friday and I don’t believe in Thor or Frigga either.

3. It’s just a greeting, get over it. This goes for both sides of the argument, if you don’t like it - don’t say it.

4. How about we get pissed that the ‘Christmas’ season starts before Halloween is over and everyone seems completely burnt out on it before the day actually arrives, That I can get behind.

Okay - I’m done know and I feel better. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas.