so, my Dad has cancer

yep.

No other way to lead into that. He has cancer in his lungs and liver and is undergoing chemo treatments. I don't feel much at the moment.

I guess I always felt this would happen and I was not at all surprised when the call came to inform me. It seems like everyone keeps asking me if I am okay, and the truth is - yes, I am. When I tell them that, they kinda look at me like, I don't know what. Like I am just not dealing with it yet, and maybe that is the case. Maybe it's just that I figure his insistence on going back to smoking and that being so damn important to him, he finally got what he deserved. Seems a little vengeful and maybe it is.

My Mom talked to me about my brother going to visit and seeing how bad he looks and the 'accidents' he is having. My parents have been divorced for years, so it's just my Mother relaying what my brother has told her, she isn't there or involved really. She told me my brother broke down and cried after he left my Dad's house. I was angry.I did that every day after leaving the ICU at Henry Ford hospital, driving up there and back 3 times a week. He was busy or had to work or didn't have gas money - well guess what, all those things applied to me too.

I guess I am at a loss of sympathy right now, maybe it will come back to me. I don't have any unresolved issues that I need to take care of before he dies. If my brother does I feel bad for him, he;s had all of these years during and since the coma to deal with it and if he hasn't...that's his fucking problem. Not mine.

When the time comes, I'll be involved and I'll do my part. They can deal with this for a little while in the meantime.

New Tattoo

I got a pair of tattoos over the weekend and I absolutely love them. I have been working on the concept/design for over a year and I finally got it to where I liked it and was ready to go with the ink. This design is deeply personal to me and I am just amazed every time I look at it.

My Right Side - The birds on my right side are representative of my daughters and are done in their favorite colors. It also happens to be my favorite Bob Marley song - 'Three Little Birds'. The branch is alive and vibrant, that's the happy me. There are a number of flowers for color and one that represents a person who is very special to me.

My Left Side - The left side is the old crow, Me. Watching, waiting, alone. The moon represents my bi-polar disorder and the cycle that comes with it. The branch is old and dead and withered, the way I feel most of the time.

Overall - this represents the way duality of my personality, the light and dark, a balance or struggle for balance. The yin/yang is overdone, and this means so much more. I am thrilled with the end result. It's mine and no one else has one like it.

Now - what to design next...

fuck!

anxiety attack underway -

I can’t breathe right, heart is pounding, I need to calm down and breathe. Mind is flying - I’m thinking at a million miles a second. It’s all bad. It’s all fucked and bad. It’s all jealousy and envy and rejection and not being good enough and being scared. I want the Ativan shot right about now. Popping a pill, hopefully it will take effect quickly, but the shot is so much faster.

I’m hoping that writing it down will help - my whole body is bouncing right now. I can’t type very well and I have to keep making corrections and use the spell check.

I think someday I’m going to die of a heart attack because I won’t know the difference between the anxiety attack and the heart attack.

Breathing is better, heart feels like it’s going to explode, mind is a mess. Closing my eyes. Focusing on breathing, trying to calm down. My hands are numb and I’m shaking. I want to run away, but I can’t focus and I know I shouldn’t drive.

Hospital? Is this another hospital trip?

It got worse - I threw up. My head is pounding now and I just want to run away. I hate feeling like this.

Ativan is so much easier.

April 17, 2011

I'm proud of myself. I'm dealing with a lot of crap lately and I just need to do something for myself. I decided to cut my hair. Not a big deal right? But this time it's a mohawk and I kinda want to see just how much I can get away with at work. I kinda want someone to say something...but they won't. And I'm getting an immense amount of pleasure from that. Simple and petty - but it works for me.

April 11, 2011

I'm just kind of sick of everything right now - I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying myself. I'm sad and lonely most of the time. I don't know what to do to get myself out of this depression I find myself in. I really don't. If you are one of my friends, I want to you to know you mean more to me that I can put into words. You truly do. Each one of you makes my life better, at least for a little while, and I thank you for that. Some of you make more of a difference than you will ever know and help me make it through each day, without you I would have given up by now.