April 11, 2011

I'm just kind of sick of everything right now - I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying myself. I'm sad and lonely most of the time. I don't know what to do to get myself out of this depression I find myself in. I really don't. If you are one of my friends, I want to you to know you mean more to me that I can put into words. You truly do. Each one of you makes my life better, at least for a little while, and I thank you for that. Some of you make more of a difference than you will ever know and help me make it through each day, without you I would have given up by now.

February 17th.

well, the experiment of stopping meds for a few days to see how I feel without them is officially a failure. I feel like I want to flay myself right now, my skin hurts and itches and my nervous system is electrically charged, gravity feels like it has been turned down a couple notches. I just want to sleep. I am disappointed and angry and frustrated and uncomfortable. It will be better, right? I feel alone, even with people around me. All I have to do is walk to the bathroom and swallow one more pill, but I am having a hard time doing it. It feels like defeat again.

Lately I have been surrounded by really vibrant people and laughter and they all seem so happy. I wonder if they are. What does it mean for them? I want to be part of that group, but I know I can't. Not really. It feels, I don't know the word, comfortable maybe? But then after a couple of hours it has to end. I have to go. I don't know what I would do if I stayed. There is a little pain, like pulling a scab, as I transition from them to my family and the pain subsides again. Then I do it again the next day.

The end of this show is coming, and I won't have those people anymore. I know what's coming. A meltdown...again. I can feel it, and I think I can deal with it. There are people, the ones who don't go away, that will be there and they know the phases. On the plus side, Spring is coming. I always feel better in the Spring.

I have to let this be posted. I have to see it out there for the whole world. Then I can delete it and maybe that will make it better.

Right now I have to go swallow a pill. It still feels like defeat.

My list of 22 things

There was a challenge/idea post on Twitter that came from Riki Rachtman - yes, the old Headbanger's Ball guy.

His challenge?

Make a list of 22 things you will accomplish in 2011.
 
Specific goals, not just 'be healthier' type stuff. Actual measurable, attainable goals. So, I've been thinking about it and I think I'm gonna give it a go.

Here's my list:

#1 - Run/Jog/Walk 400 Miles
#2 - Enter and finish a 5K run
#3 - Get 6 hours of sleep almost everyday
#4 - Read 4 books I have never read before
#5 - Watch 12 documentaries
#6 - Buy a pair of pants or shirt once a month
#7 - Take each of my daughters to lunch/dinner, just me and them, 3 times.
#8 - Audition for 2 shows/plays
#9 - Act in a play, that actually charges admission
#10 - Attend 4 live plays
#11 - Attend 2 live plays NOT at Theatre Siena
#12 - Attend 3 live music shows
#13 - Buy a new bass guitar
#14 - Learn to play 4 new songs on the bass
#15 - Attend all of the SHU Football team home games Inaugural season
#16 - Fly a kite
#17 - Go to our cabin 3 times
#18 - Lose 25 pounds
#19 - Get the tattoo that I've been designing for the last year
#20 - Plant a tree
#21 - Build a dividing wall and add electricity to the basement
#22 - Run for public office, probably school board

So, that's it. Some of these are a given, but I haven't actually done them yet and I could always back out of it. Some are easy, some are a little more difficult. I'm sharing with you and I'm not ashamed of any of these goals. I need to get a small planner or something to keep track of these things and when I do them. Let's see how I do. If you are interested in doing it too, take it and run with it.

Stupid Evil Bastard says...

Stupid Evil Bastard has written a great article that sums up my feelings on the recent elections very well. I also voted for Rick Snyder for Governor and for mostly the same reasons as he states in his post.

I'm gonna share it here with you, my few readers.

So about the 2010 Midterm Election results…

I also encourage you to follow him, he writes good things. And, he has a great pseudonym.

Politics

It's Halloween!

That's really all I have to say. No, wait, it's not all I have to say.

This year Halloween falls on a Sunday, as it does every 7 years or so. A number of the communities in my area have somehow decided this is a bad thing and changed Trick or Treating to Saturday.

I don't understand this at all.

Some have suggested it's because the next day is Monday and the kids have school. This is stupid, as they usually have school the next day. Years when Halloween is on Friday or Saturday are the exception. That's 2 out of 7 years. I'm not sure of the reason, but I don't like it. The kids had a Fall themed party last week and had some friends over last night to play games and sit by the fire. Others had Halloween party's last night and that is awesome.

Now, in my city they had a candy handout with the downtown businesses on Saturday and the real Trick or Treat on Sunday. I can deal with that. I will save my feelings about Trick or Treating in a mall or parking lot for another rant.

At any rate - Happy Halloween, turn on the porch light and hand out some candy to the kids that are still making an effort to do it 'old school'.

This is math I understand