Monday, April 18, 2011

fuck!

anxiety attack underway -

I can’t breathe right, heart is pounding, I need to calm down and breathe. Mind is flying - I’m thinking at a million miles a second. It’s all bad. It’s all fucked and bad. It’s all jealousy and envy and rejection and not being good enough and being scared. I want the Ativan shot right about now. Popping a pill, hopefully it will take effect quickly, but the shot is so much faster.

I’m hoping that writing it down will help - my whole body is bouncing right now. I can’t type very well and I have to keep making corrections and use the spell check.

I think someday I’m going to die of a heart attack because I won’t know the difference between the anxiety attack and the heart attack.

Breathing is better, heart feels like it’s going to explode, mind is a mess. Closing my eyes. Focusing on breathing, trying to calm down. My hands are numb and I’m shaking. I want to run away, but I can’t focus and I know I shouldn’t drive.

Hospital? Is this another hospital trip?

It got worse - I threw up. My head is pounding now and I just want to run away. I hate feeling like this.

Ativan is so much easier.

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