...

…today sucked. I skipped work, i just couldn’t wake up and force myself to deal with people or life or anything. I’m not really suicidal, but i just couldn’t face the day and couldn’t move. The depression has been in progress for a while and i thought i had a decent hold on it. I didn’t.

I was woken up by my mother in my room, asking me if I was okay. I said yes. she called me a liar. I am a liar. She and my wife found out I skipped work. She saw my arms, my wrists, my fingers. Scratched and cut and bruised. I didn’t even know what to say. I felt like a teenager being caught. I’m not a teenager.

I am usually pretty good about handling this shit on my own and with my meds, not so much now. It’s getting worse. I know my depression and anxiety and bipolar isn’t as bad as some people, I’m only a Type II with Rapid Cycling. I need to talk to someone and figure out if it really is clinically worse or I just can’t handle as much anymore. I am on a waiting list, 6 to 8 weeks, to see a psychiatrist as a new patient. My old therapist is gone. I could go through the hospital, but being I have resorted to self injury, they would likely have me admitted. I don’t want that.

I have to buckle down, get shit back on track and keep my shit tight. I have a couple friends and family I can talk to and I hope that can help.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Self indulgent bullshit. But it helps me to type it out.